The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
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You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.