The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
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Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Creepy-crawlies
