The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
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Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
#gardening
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Ghost costume 😂
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.