The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
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Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t