Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

Ladies, why y’all do this?

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

😏😏😏

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?