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9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
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wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
this chia pet tastes awful
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.