Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?