Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”