the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
You Might Also Like
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?