the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
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[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok