Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something