the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
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I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
With a text.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.