the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
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When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.