the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
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GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
shut up and take my money
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.