The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
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Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?