Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
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It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
If half-empty water bottles were currency, I’d be rich af.
Personal trainer: You’ve gotta want it more than you want those donuts!
Me: *stops mid rep* Wait. What?
It’s like the TSA doesn’t even care relationships end cause we can’t run through the airport and stop someone from getting on a plane.
Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.