@UncleDuke1969

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

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@Staggfilms

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

@dmc1138

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”

@Tmoney68

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

@hrtbps

“How can it be global warming,” pondered @realDonaldTrump, “if it’s cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard.”

@WheelTod

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

@tchrquotes

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

@WittySassBasket

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

@dksc4life

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

@perfectsweeties

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

@graceupongracie

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic