The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
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I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.