The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
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“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”