The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
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When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Me trying to walk in a dream
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39