Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being