The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
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me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
There is wisdom there.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it