Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.