Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

Truth

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

[CAVE]

BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”