The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
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“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.