Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

Rare photo of two submarines racing

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.