Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait