Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.