Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

Carpe DM

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit