The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
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me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
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Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.