Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.