The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
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Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Poetry is my passion
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
