Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .