The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
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This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.