Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.