Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

doing some research

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling