The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
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My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.