Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…

Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”

Baker: “What type do you want sir?”

Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.