The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
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wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
live, laugh, laundry.