Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.