The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
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Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please