The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
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Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Haha good job!!
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”