Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

I’m going to need a moment here.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.