Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.