The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
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Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
a fate I wish upon no one
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden