Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment