The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
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Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
getting old is fun
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Omg 🤣
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.