The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
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*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
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Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I feel seen.
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My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
◾️
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If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
He has no idea 🤡
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Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out![]()
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow