The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
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My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Saw this yesterday lol
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.