Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry