The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
You Might Also Like
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.