Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

me when the borders lift

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.