I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
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I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.