Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

this is literally a CIA plant

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Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication