The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
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If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Meeeee too!
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.