The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
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And bowling should be called pinball
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I used to put eggs in the trunk with the rest of the groceries but now that they are $9 a carton one of the kids can ride back there and the eggs can take a car seat
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard