Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.