The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
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One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats