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Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.