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Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
What even happened today?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.