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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
sistine chapel
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.