The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
You Might Also Like
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Sooo many times…..
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”