Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.