The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
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[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My new favorite headline
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t