The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
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Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
peep davidson
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.