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I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
If you know, you know
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic