The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
You Might Also Like
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Stop being racist to kettles.
Important reminders
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.