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My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Snapes on a plane.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…