The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
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I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure