The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
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Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
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Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
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You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*