Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.