The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
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If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.