Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

[returning from Damascus]

St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”

Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“

St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”

St Ohn: “It’s true”

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.